I did not grow up in the more mainstream circle of conservative evangelicalism. The Brethren Church has more or less stayed out of the spotlight and done its own thing in the recent past. Thus, when it comes to purity culture, I was largely ignorant of it all. That is not to say I wasn't affected by it. Joshua Harris' Boy Meets Girl had a HUGE impact on my life. It was one of the books that brought me to a deeper faith (I know, huge simp). We all know what happened to Harris' faith and marriage. The poster child of purity culture abandoned the faith altogether.
In recent months, I have come to notice that the Christian men in my generation are lost and confused. The way my church (and many more in my local area) trained up its young men has not worked out. Men are without mentors, depressed, lonely, addicted to many things, and confused about what being a Christian man really means, because whatever they were taught at church just, didn't work out.
Does Non-Toxic Masculinity have an answer to all this? Let's see.
Overview
This book, as the tagline suggests, is all about the recovery of what being a healthy male looks like for a Christian. The book begins with a critical assessment of purity culture. It looks at the foundational values of purity culture and thoroughly discusses the good and bad. Spoiler alert, it's mostly bad. Wagner lays out the consequences of purity culture and its teachings, specifically about how it affects men and in turn how that affects the way men treat women. The consequences are not so pretty.
Wagner then moves on to address several problem areas of toxic masculinity. In Wagner's terms, toxic masculinity describes "men and boys who are emotionally repressed, egotistical, macho, and immature". One core value of this book is the idea of "dehumanization". Wagner looks at this for both men and women in several different problem areas such as sex, lust, dating, marriage, and more. The argument is that purity culture has dehumanized both men and women. Men now have a dehumanized view of themselves, and women have become sexual objects. Wagner offers biblical reasonings for how we can learn to gain a humanizing view of male sexuality by modeling it after Jesus, who was incarnated as a human male. Of course, in parallel, we must learn to rehumanize the way we view our fellow created females.
Wagner employs many personal stories of people who have been affected by purity culture, including himself and his wife.
Why Read This?
This book has articulated many of the concerns I have had in my head regarding Christian men that I couldn't articulate. As mentioned before, something went wrong for men in the Church. Additionally, this book has shed light on the problems of purity culture that I have never considered before, broadening my perspective on this issue. I think there is a catastrophic failure and flaw in the way sexuality is taught in mainline churches today. This book definitely points many of those out and offers some valuable insights.
For Christian men, there are not a lot of good resources for dealing with, well, themselves. The resources I have found are oftentimes very 2 dimensional. It's hard to find resources that address the more ugly or tender issues in masculinity without screaming at your face. I found this book to be a nice "in the middle" perspective of this whole issue.
I appreciated Wagner's bold critique of certain ugly topics that many Christians don't even question, as well as his commitment to the scriptures. Most of all, I appreciated his genuine care for people created in God's image. For confused men, this book does offer some clarity. This book certainly holds some of the answers towards better, holier masculinity.
Potential Pitfalls
After reading this book, although a lot of confusing subjects are addressed and wrong views are refuted, I was left hungry for more practical steps to help me become a healthier man. This is okay, the book never promised a step-by-step, so the reader would do well to seek further help. Perhaps that is a counselor, an older man, or other resources, but this is a responsible step to take.
One thing that irked me in this book is the attitude of staying on the fence in some places. it's the affirming of something on one side, followed by a "but we should...". That wording can certainly muddy the waters for some who are looking for solid answers.
Reading as a pretty conservative Christian, this book definitely talks about some things in a way that I disagreed with, the reader would do well to read with charity and an open mind because the valuable insights are worth the sifting. Some readers will think Wagner does not have a firm enough conviction in certain areas (there is a lot of ambiguity in certain touchy areas), and some will think the opposite. Again, I would encourage you to read with a discerning mind so you don't miss the baby while distracted by the bathwater.
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